{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org\/","@type":"BlogPosting","@id":"https:\/\/recruiterready.com\/debugging-your-relationships\/#BlogPosting","mainEntityOfPage":"https:\/\/recruiterready.com\/debugging-your-relationships\/","headline":"Are You Debugging Your Relationships And Annoying Others?","name":"Are You Debugging Your Relationships And Annoying Others?","description":"This content originally appeared on the blog of Leadership Coach Timothy Thomas PCC. Have you been told you are fault-finding, overly critical, or a bummer to be around? Odds are you are using a mismatch\u00a0sorting strategy and it is affecting your life. This mindset can prevent joy and connection from happening, leading to loneliness, frustration, […]","datePublished":"2016-09-08","dateModified":"2023-01-19","author":{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/recruiterready.com\/author\/timothy-thomas\/#Person","name":"TimothyThomas","url":"https:\/\/recruiterready.com\/author\/timothy-thomas\/","identifier":1,"image":{"@type":"ImageObject","@id":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/61b946fe5aba06f5baa67d9522820bc555eb3087bb84b0d7a68c98e974ec047d?s=96&d=mm&r=g","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/61b946fe5aba06f5baa67d9522820bc555eb3087bb84b0d7a68c98e974ec047d?s=96&d=mm&r=g","height":96,"width":96}},"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","name":"Timothy Thomas - Coaching Technology Group","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","@id":"https:\/\/recruiterready.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/01\/CTG-logo-horizontal-schema-friendly.png","url":"https:\/\/recruiterready.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/01\/CTG-logo-horizontal-schema-friendly.png","width":600,"height":60}},"image":{"@type":"ImageObject","@id":"https:\/\/recruiterready.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/mismatched-socks-300x200.jpg","url":"https:\/\/recruiterready.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/mismatched-socks-300x200.jpg","height":"200","width":"300"},"url":"https:\/\/recruiterready.com\/debugging-your-relationships\/","video":[{"@context":"http:\/\/schema.org\/","@type":"VideoObject","@id":"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=_Sgk-ZYxKxM#VideoObject","contentUrl":"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=_Sgk-ZYxKxM","name":"Sesame Street: One of These Things: Hat","description":"If you're watching videos with your preschooler and would like to do so in a safe, child-friendly environment, please join us at http:\/\/www.sesamestreet.org\r\n\r\nSong: One of these things is not like the others\r\n\r\nSesame Street is a production of Sesame Workshop, a nonprofit educational organization which also produces Pinky Dinky Doo, The Electric Company, and other programs for children around the world.","thumbnailUrl":["https:\/\/i.ytimg.com\/vi\/_Sgk-ZYxKxM\/default.jpg","https:\/\/i.ytimg.com\/vi\/_Sgk-ZYxKxM\/mqdefault.jpg","https:\/\/i.ytimg.com\/vi\/_Sgk-ZYxKxM\/hqdefault.jpg"],"uploadDate":"2011-03-15T15:15:28+00:00","duration":"PT31S","embedUrl":"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/_Sgk-ZYxKxM","publisher":{"@type":"Organization","@id":"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/channel\/UCoookXUzPciGrEZEXmh4Jjg#Organization","url":"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/channel\/UCoookXUzPciGrEZEXmh4Jjg","name":"Sesame Street","description":"Welcome to Sesame Street! A colorful community of monsters, birds, grouches, and humans. A place where everyone counts. Spend time with all your favorite furry friends and subscribe for new videos every week.\n\nFor more fun games and videos for your preschooler in a safe, child-friendly environment, visit us at http:\/\/www.sesamestreet.org.\n\nWith a signature mix of laughter and learning, Sesame Street has been enriching minds and bringing families closer for five decades. Rigorously researched and deeply inclusive, Sesame Street has become the most-watched children\u2019s program in history. 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Odds are you are using a mismatch\u00a0sorting strategy and it is affecting your life. This mindset can prevent joy and connection from happening, leading to loneliness, frustration, and maybe even depression.Sometimes finding what’s wrong is a valuable skill, and in other contexts it can work against you. It turns out that with a little awareness and practice you can learn when to mention\u00a0what sticks out and when to identify commonalities.This article sets out how to\u00a0break the fault-finding cycle and discover the secrets of your sorting strategies. Gain the power of awareness and choice about when to use your powers of discernment and when to use your powers of inclusion.One\u00a0Of These Things Is Not Like The Others\u201cMeta Programs,\u201d according to John David Hoeg, \u201care mental processes which manage, guide and direct other mental processes.\u201d Think of them as the blueprints that guide how we assemble our thoughts. We have several meta programs at work when we are thinking and communicating.\u00a0The concept comes from Dr. Richard Bandler and John Grinder and is a core component of\u00a0Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). I have studied with Dr. Bandler and use this knowledge in my coaching conversations regularly.One meta program is a strategy for sorting by what matches or mismatches. We learn this skill early in life, and it is reinforced, like it is right here, in shows as ubiquitous as Sesame Street.We survive by sorting. If we were unable to sort friend from enemy, food from poison, or air from water we wouldn\u2019t be here. The difficulty rests in knowing when to \u201csort for sameness,\u201d and when to \u201csort for difference.\u201dReally read the bolded part of the preceding paragraph. Do you notice something? It is constructed on a premise of \u201csorting for difference.\u201d It is so subtle that the meta-program attached to it goes unnoticed. Assumed.I\u2019ve intentionally reframed the same paragraph\u00a0using a matching sorting strategy and a positive reframe in combination:We collaborate through sorting. In being able to know who is a friend and who is an enemy, what is food and what is poison, and what is air and what is water, we know how to thrive in our environment. We can have ease knowing that we can choose how to sort information based on context and need.Can you tell the difference between the two paragraphs\u00a0and how they are indicative of a hidden or assumed sorting strategy? Check your internal emotional response to each. Those feelings will help reveal which strategies you are comfortable around.You can choose which approach to take.\u00a0With a little awareness and practice you can use either strategy for communicating your ideas and opinions with intention.Are You\u00a0Choosing To View Things By “What Is Mismatched?”Of course, mismatch\u00a0sorting makes sense in specific situations.\u00a0Sorting is part of being human and so is choice. You can choose to build and share ideas on a mismatching\u00a0foundation or a matching\u00a0one.When A\u00a0“Mismatch Sorting Strategy”\u00a0Comes Off As Fault-FindingMaybe you have a person in your life (or you are the person) who seems to be constantly saying \u201cno,\u201d or can find a flaw in almost any item, plan, or idea. It can become easy to want to avoid people who don\u2019t choose when and how to be critical, and mismatching can seem very fault-finding in social situations.\u201cMismatch sorting\u201d works in opposition to our social norms because it can make people feel like they are being judged. What is a classic punishment for breaking the law? Shunning. That is, sorting out the person who is no longer welcome. Mismatch sorting begets mismatch sorting\u00a0with\u00a0the fault-finding person being iced out.This can be confusing\u00a0for people who are successful in fields where mistakes are costly, or maybe even a life or death matter. In the workplace, skill at finding mistakes or omissions can be admired, particularly among engineers, software developers, and testers.If your job is to produce clean, error-free code, then writing your sections, code review, and bug reports require a mismatch\u00a0sorting strategy to weed out errors. If you work in aerospace you need to have a zero-tolerance for error or a pilot\u2019s life will be on the line. This is a crucial skill in these contexts.However, in social settings the same skills are seldom welcome. It’s time to be able to choose which strategy to use, and when.Comically Unpopular BehaviorI\u2019m going to be crude for a little bit. You\u2019ve probably heard the expressions \u201cas popular as passing gas in church.\u201d Let\u2019s consider the message of that expression. That ‘natural process’ \u00a0can be\u00a0an anti-social act (making a bad smell) in a room full of people involved in a highly social activity. It’s basically harmless, a little embarrassing, and everyone will pretend it didn’t happen (while remembering who did it).Don\u2019t believe me? I found dozens of gags based on this on YouTube (I\u2019ll let you look them up yourself because I don\u2019t want them stinking up my blog post).Using a Mismatch\u00a0Sorting Strategy in a social setting can also be\u00a0an anti-social act. By all means, use your powers of discernment to identify errors, bugs, and possible improvements. You are\u00a0always allowed do that. But just because you\u2019ve employed\u00a0a strategy to identify “what’s out of place” doesn\u2019t mean you have to share those findings out loud. In other words, the opinion you have formed using a \u201cwhat\u2019s wrong\u201d framework is the “gas passing.” Hold it in until you find a more appropriate place to make that sort of noise.With practice, you will have more sorting\u00a0strategies available to you. Practice finding \u201cwhat matches\u201d and sharing that observation. It will add to the proceedings.When Will You Start Flexing Your “Matching Sorting Strategy” Muscles?We need to be able to see things in our lives through a \u201cwhat\u00a0matches\u201d and \u201cwhat belongs\u201d lens when the situation calls for it. Just like we might mistrust someone who can\u2019t find and fix errors in critical systems, we also mistrust people who seem to be fault-finding\u00a0in social settings.Are you sometimes frustrated in social settings? Do you feel like you are being \u201cshunned?\u201d It could be you are bringing the wrong strategy to the party.What You Want Is Your ResponsibilityOnly expressing what you don\u2019t want, don\u2019t like, or want changed is a way of shifting the responsibility for your satisfaction to another person.When making decisions in a mismatch sorting mindset, interactions sound something like this:Person 1: Let\u2019s go out to lunch.Person 2: Ok, where do you want to eat?Person 1: I don\u2019t know.Person 2: How about Thai?Person 1: Nah.Person 2: What about Mexican?Person 1: I don\u2019t like black beans.Person 2: What about burgers?Person 1: Can\u2019t eat the bun.This goes on for a while in a loop where Person 2 is now attempting to satisfy Person 1.The situation is unfair and frustrating (and exhausting) to Person 2, who has to use a lot of energy trying to mind read what will satisfy Person 1.\u00a0Person 2 will eventually stop asking Person 1 to lunch, because the amount of energy the interaction requires is too high for the activity.Person 1 owes the interaction a commitment to something, instead of being in a cycle of calling out the mismatch between the offer and a hidden desire for a type of food.You Can\u2019t Get What You Want (\u2018Til You Know What You Want)If you are in the habit of making decisions from the mismatch sorting mindset, it can be very difficult to get what you want. You will be stuck in a cycle of sorting from an essentially random set of offers.Waiting for opportunities to present themselves so you can accept or reject them requires a lot of time and creates an aura of scarcity about each one. Some offers can seem full of possibility and require a large investment of time, money, or both, only to determine if it is \u201cok,\u201d or \u201cgood enough\u201d or worse yet \u201cunwanted.\u201dWhat a sad waste of valuable time.Musical artist Joe Jackson wrote a song about it. I found a cool remix of the song on YouTube:In a future article I will talk about the importance of having baselines and boundaries to define what we actually want. We can be \u201cchoosers\u201d instead of \u201csorters\u201d and get more of what we want in life.I Think I Am Biased Toward Being A \u201cMismatch\u00a0Sorter.\u201d How Do We Coach This?If we are working together, this is a general approach to how\u00a0I would coach you through this change. Just like if I was your baseball coach, I can help you with the concepts and drills, but putting them to work at \u201cgame time\u201d is on you. Let\u2019s get to work.The PracticeAwarenessCheck yourself \u2013 when you see something do you immediately gravitate to the flaws or perceived deficits? Do you only care about \u201cwhat\u2019s out of place?\u201d If so, recognize that.Reformulate your thoughts \u2013 tell yourself \u201cwhat is right\u201d about what you are experiencing. Ask yourself \u201cwho is this criticism actually for?\u201d If you can\u2019t think of a person who would welcome your criticism, then it is for you \u2013 a reflection of the \u201cmismatch sorting strategy\u201d at workShut up \u2013 Unless you’ve been hired\u00a0to point out what is “out of place” about something then keep it to yourself. If you share, expect defensiveness and rejection from the recipient as the result.Take notes \u2013 recognize where the desire to \u201cbe critical\u201d happens. If necessary, journal about what you thought and then in writing reframe the thought into matching and inclusive terms. Take your time and be easy on yourself while you learn to have choices about how you \u201cwrite\u201d your perceptions in your mind. I have an article about reframing sentences to the positive if you need a refresher.ExperimentRecognize your thoughts — Getting good at seeing\u00a0what matches or is a commonality\u00a0in a situation? Writing it down is no longer necessary? Then you are now in the power of personal choice. Going forward you can decide how you want to sort information and can recognize the proper approach for the proper time.Sharing \u2013 Share\u00a0commonalities and gauge the reaction of people around you. This change could upset your peer group if they all habitually use a \u201cmismatch sorting strategy,\u201d so be warned. Use the skill in a context where calling out a mismatch\u00a0has gone poorly in the past.Skill ZoneOver time you will start to recognize all the possible responses you can make to a situation and choose an appropriate one. Be easy on yourself if you make the wrong choice and back up with humility and switch approaches.Relating To The Content Of This Article? Coaching Can Help.Want to get unstuck? \u00a0Contact me today to schedule a complementary 20 minute conversation. Coaching could be the answer you\u00a0are\u00a0looking for. With coaching we determine\u00a0where you are headed rather than\u00a0where you have been. Move to the future and get unstuck with the help of a coach. "}